Papa...

Papa...i will miss you so much.... we all thought you would recover... even the doctors they thought you were improving...they cannot pin down any diagnosis because all the laboratory works were not coinciding properly... and the nurses...they said you have selective responses...you respond and follow instructions only from the one you know...papa we love you so much...i hope you felt it till the end...and during the time that you were bleeding so hard i felt that you embraced me and you told me that you are leaving but still i cannot let you go...so you prepared us for a day...you were pinching us and gripping our hands so hard that we would all smile because you were so strong...and everytime i talk to you there were tears in your eyes...as if telling me that you are leaving soon...i was so afraid that i dismissed those thoughts, i even saw tita digna and tita lynne at the hospital door so many times...and i told them not now...but i felt they were waiting for you....papa i even felt bad at them because i knew that they were fetching you....it's so hard... because you really bonded with me on your last weeks or month here...you would go down at 4:30 sit in front of the laundry and read a book... and if i see you i would pull a chair and sit beside you...you would tell me stories of your past, talk about our lost properties, and i would tell you papa dont be bitter about it you have us your children...we may not have everything but we are a happy family, and you would say that we should had our own house units if only... but i would always say that we can work and someday buy our own house...then you would change the topic and talk about drinking that you are already old and would like to enjoy...but i would always say no to drinking because of your health...and when you cant persuade me, you would again make kwento about anything... then when it's 6:30 you would go up and watch the news... papa i will cherish those moments, now i realize that i am so lucky because you spent 2 hours a day with me for maybe more than a month and i would always decline my patients because i need to make bantay, because if im not beside you, you are going to buy gin.... and if i have a persistent patient i would tell my kids or whoever is available to stay with you... now i realized that you were making me ready for the day that you would leave... papa you were the only one who knows when im down and not feeling well... you would ask if im ok...but of course i would always say that im ok... and thank you for teaching me so many things...i would enumerate them so that my kids would know it...folding our clothes and dapat pantay pantay... and fixing our cabinets, shining our shoes should always be well polished, every all souls day we should light a candle at the patio, you also taught me how to budget at an early age like grade 5...you would give me money and tell me how many people would eat with us , you thought us how to make tipid and always think of others before buying anything, you taught us how to have party themes...like when i was 6 my party theme was hello kitty, you did all the invitations and you made hello kitty designs for my party, you taught me how to fill up our pantry...na dapat may canned goods and milk (for the kids) na extra para ready kung magkaka gulo, like coup d'etat...hehehhe...sef never believed this..you thought me how to change the fuse and bulbs...you taught me how to make friends with everybody...that we should not look at people by their financial status but rather their attitude towards life... how they cope with everyday living...many people are not like this papa and i am happy because you taught us this virtue, and i never heard you complain about all our kamag anaks who lived with us in earnshaw...not a single complain, you accepted them with open arms...you also opened our eyes in a different political view, you also brought us to rallies and we also experienced tear gas, you also taught us how to make confetties and everytime they passed by earnshaw either we threw confetties or we served water...during the parangal did i realize that some of the things i remembered where not a dream...like when i was maybe a year or two there was someone with me that would tell me to close my eyes and not to open until she says so...she would bring me inside the bodega of course i was just a kid so i would peek... and she would feed around 4 or 5 people who are sick and wounded and would tell me not to say a word to anyone...i also remebered seeing machine guns beside them underneath the newspapers...papa i dont know why i didnt ask you about this.... i also remember that you have plenty of money and would just wrap it with news paper then just give it to somebody whom i never knew....just now did i realize how big is your heart...you never pampered us with material things...you and mama would always teach us how to save and would just buy things like bags, shoes and uniforms kung masikip na or sira na or maikli na ang skirt...never did we buy excess things...and another one is you never encouraged us to watch telenovelas...you would say na walang kwenta ang drama...magbasa na lang kayo... so i loved reading books...that when i was pregnant with bianca sef would keep my books because i could forget about everything just to finish reading...hay papa! and papa thank you for spoiling my kids...you really made them happy, i will always tell them stories about you, take care of yourself papa...i know you are in a safe place free from sickness and pain.

Thank you for everthing...i love you pa!